A parent complains about a recent youth group event; how do you respond? Easiest question in youth ministry history! Seriously?

The first thing you should do is ignore the parent as long as possible.
You are taking some well deserved time off after the world’s best overnighter in the history of the universe(TM). Here’s a handy rating scale to let you know how seriously you should take the criticism they are leveling at you:

If the complaint comes via a voicemail – listen carefully to the voice mail, then shake it off and go back to relaxing. A voicemail tells you that the person is 50+ years old, and to help them take a technology baby step you need to delay in returning their call for at least 48 hours. Unless, of course, they name drop a key elder, deacon or even hint they might go over your head to the senior pastor. Deduct 1 hour from the projected response time for each time they either cry or scream during the voicemail message.

If the complaint comes via a written letter – don’t even open it for a few days. Snail mail, really? Did some use a Portal gun and drop me back in 1974? After a few days, simply toss the letter in the trash then claim it must have been “lost in the mail” and when you see them across the pews just say you are so sorry you didn’t respond earlier but you had no idea.

If the complaint comes via text message – quickly reply with a short apology and promise to make everything right within 24 hours. This is to honor a parent that knows how to text, and is also savvy enough to spread some serious thumbs down on social media if you don’t jump into action.

Next, make sure you accept absolutely no responsibility for what happened.
Always make sure you have a scapegoat handy (a college-age hipster volunteer will typically do) and be ready with some key non-verbal signals to indicate that the situation was “out of your hands” and that “you are totally disappointed in them, too”. Here are a few quick excuses to have in your back pocket if you do end up finally actually meeting with a parent (you must have run into them at the Red Box kiosk – rookie):

“I wish I was made aware of this on the night of the event” – this clever redirection places the blame on the person who is bringing you the bad news only now, more than 48 hours after the event is over. “I’m sure that kid was a bully” or “I guess we’ll never know the truth now” are solid follow-up lines. The haze of overnighter memories after just a few days is a perfect cover to deflect responsibility.

“I’ll make sure those people are dealt immediately” – was it your choice to play the R-rated movie on the bus? Was if your call to duct tape her freshman son to the ceiling? Who knows … and this classic line makes sure that the parent will never know either. The straw-man tactic wins more than Jeremy Lin. The parents know someone is going to get hammered for this evil that the youth pastor sympathizes with. Who is that person? No one knows for sure.

Third, be sure to drive a wedge between the parent, their teenager and the ministry. Do you best to undermine the parent whenever possible. Roll your eyes when the dad isn’t looking. Exchange a knowing glance at the student to show how “out of touch” they are being right now. You know best, just pacify the parent long enough to get them off your back and you can move on to planning The Next Big Thing That Will Change The World Overnighter Extragaganza(TM) – and make sure you call it TNBTTWCTWOE for short.

Hopefully by now you get the idea … do the opposite of everything you read above and you’ll handle complaints well. They are inevitable, tough and necessary part of your growth of a leader and part of the process of raising teenagers. Jump in quick, take responsibility and repair the damage. Blessings on the journey.

JG

Really enjoyed a post by Len Evans over on his blog Looking Out From My Little Place. It had some great insight on things that youth workers do that usually end up costing them their position. Here’s a couple of the standouts to me, head over there for all 10:

4. Ignoring conflicting ministry philosophies.
Your theological imperatives will drive what you do in ministry, but your ministry philosophy will drive how you do it. So it’s crucial that you and your church agree on the how to’s of ministry. You and your church might both value evangelism, but if you don’t agree on how to do evangelism you’re sailing into a major storm. Also, if your church functionally defines “youth worker” as “events coordinator” but you see yourself as a pastor, you’d better spiff up your résumé because you’ll need it sooner than you expect.

6. Forgetting that perception is reality.
Whatever people think of you, good or bad, is real to them. Make sure they know the truth about you and your ministry, and make sure the truth about you and your ministry is good. If one person decides to believe something insidious about you or your ministry, then shares that belief with others as a “prayer request” or outright slander, you’ve got a battle to fight. And it’s amazing how battles can quickly get out of hand (if your name is Trent Lott, you understand this intimately). You’ll eventually lose the war, so make sure that perception is the truth by confronting misperceptions and “making peace with your enemies” (Luke 14:31-32). When a perception problem springs up, head directly to your senior pastor’s office first so you can clear it up before it gets to him.

8. Marginalizing powerful parents.
When Powerful Parents Attack—it could be a show on Fox, but it’s not entertaining when it happens to you. Your Church magazine ran a series about forced exits a few years ago. They found that it takes only 3 to 4 percent of a congregation to spark a staff member’s firing. Know who the “power parents” in your church are, and do your best to make sure they’re on your side. Don’t succumb to pressure or let them bully you, but bend to their desires when it’s a neutral preference issue, not a core principle.

JG



From time to time I’m asked to contribute to the Slant33 blog and this week this scenario was presented: A parent complains about a recent youth group event; how do you respond? Here’s the first half of my timeless wisdom on the subject:

Easiest question in youth ministry history! Seriously?

The first thing you should do is ignore the parent as long as possible. You are taking some well-deserved time off after the world’s Best Overnighter in the History of the Universe (TM). Here’s a handy rating scale to let you know how seriously you should take the criticism they level at you:

If the complaint comes via voicemail… Listen carefully to the voicemail, then shake it off and go back to relaxing. A voicemail tells you that the person is 50+ years old, and to help them take a technological baby step, you need to delay returning the call for at least 48 hours. Unless, of course, they name-drop a key elder, deacon, or even hint they might go over your head to the senior pastor. Deduct 1 hour from the projected response time for each time they cry or scream in the message.

If the complaint comes via written letter…
Don’t even open it for a few days. Snail mail, really? Did someone use a Portal gun and drop me back in 1974? After a few days, simply toss the letter in the trash then claim it must have been “lost in the mail,” and when you see them across the pews, just say you are so sorry you didn’t respond earlier, but you had no idea.

If the complaint comes via text message… Quickly reply with a short apology and promise to make everything right within 24 hours. This is to honor a parent who knows how to text and is also savvy enough to spread some serious thumbs down on social media if you don’t jump into action.

Obviously meant to be funny … lots more of the answer on the Slant blog if you want to head over there to catch it. HA!

JG