Apparently, it only takes ten minutes.

movieWhen you sit down to watch a movie, you’ll create a filter for everything that follows within the first ten minutes of what you see.

Maybe this is why some of the best movies have an unexpected teaser that you don’t know what to do with. You’re there to see a sci-fi flick about outer space movie, and the opening scenes are set in a desert. Or perhaps the previews promised you a cultural journey through time through a simpleton named “Forrest Gump,” and yet the first and last shot are of a floating feather.

“What’s that all about?” you wonder.

Sometimes it doesn’t even take ten minutes. Researcher Malcolm Gladwell wrote about this in his best-selling book “Blink” – we make major decisions in milliseconds, not in our conscious mind… but in our unconscious mind.

watchingStrangely, we’ll intentionally give other things more than the first ten minutes. Die-hard sports fans know that the trajectory of an entire game that seems one way can change even in the final stretch. The stock market can make a major shift to your retirement plan in any given moment. A sure-thing election can reverse itself when projections don’t pan out.

We know this, so we remind ourselves to stay open.

Which way do you view your life… faith… church… God?

Christmas?

Serving?gift

What if what you perceive of the Story is much larger than the “ten minutes” you’re in? Are you intentionally ready and open to how the circumstances you’re in right now are about to shift… how the wrapping paper doesn’t determine the Gift inside?

It may take you more than ten minutes to rethink how you view your “ten minutes,” but it’s worth it.

How is your “ten minute” filter affecting how you’re serving beyond the first ten minutes?

There’s a student causing a commotion in the room – what do you do? This simple and easily-remembered punch list (I think the first 3 are of Kurt Johnston origin with a new 4th “R” from me) will help you or your volunteers handle the situation well:

Request – this is the simple ask for improved behavior. This is almost always the right first step. I like one comment yesterday to a post saying give them “the eye” as a ‘pre-talking to’ move.

Reseat – move them closer to the leader or away from their partner in crime. I like to think of this as “within reach factor” or where a swift elbow to the ribs will bring him into line.

Remove – you may have to remove them from the situation. Remove them for a few minutes, or the rest of youth group, maybe take them home, or ask them to take a few weeks off. Removal is a necessary part of handling something like this. Lead with grace here and you won’t have regrets.

Relay – involve the parents. Make sure the parents are in the loop and ask them to partner with you on making sure the disruptive behavior doesn’t happen again.

If it is a new student, show more grace while they learn the culture of church and what is expected of them. Be quick to discipline a known offender, be slow to disciplining someone who you don’t have a relationship with at all. You may want to check out this older post called How to Remove a Student from Your Small Group as well. Other thoughts – remember they have to start with R?

JG



Took a group of middle school students to Hershey Park.  During the day the students were free to roam the facility; however, had mandatory check-in times.  When one girl arrived late I asked her for a reason and all I got in return was attitude.  It was a little unexpected and at first I didn’t know how to respond.  I wanted to call her parents and send her home, but then I learned that there was more to the story.  In the end she apologized and the rest of the day was fine.

Has a teenager ever copped an attitude with you before?  It’s alarming and sometimes unexpected.  When caught off guard it’s easy to want to shoot back and go even lower.  Or, maybe you just don’t know how to overcome the disappointment and let it slide.  No matter what you feel, when a teenager shows you a little attitude you need to respond.  But, how do you respond without hurting, rejecting or blowing off the situation?  First, you:

Listen – No matter what they say let it sit out there.  Sometimes the teenager just needs a little bit of time to think about what they said.  If their response was in a moment of passion you are giving them an opportunity to hear their mistake.  You respond immediately and you might escalate the situation down the wrong path.

Respond With “I” Statements – When someone offends us the tendency is to immediately shoot blame.  Instead make your first response a description of how you are feeling like, “I’m a little hurt.” Or “I’m surprised by that.”  Not only are you being authentic, but also you are allowing the offender to know the immediate consequences of their actions.

Offer To Go Deeper – This doesn’t mean to pry and fix what’s going on in their life; however, an off colored comment can sometimes be a shout out for help.  All you need to do is simply ask them, “Is there something we need to talk about?”  If they trust you they’ll let you know the truth.  If they do want to talk about it, just listen and if they don’t assure them that you are available.

Follow Up With Discipline – If a student makes a rude comment towards you, another adult or their parent, be sure to address their action.  Dishonoring parents and being rude to your elders isn’t right.  What is that disciplinary action?  Well that depends on your situation.  It can be as simple as asking them to apologize to who they’ve offended, to removing a certain privilege or responsibility.  No matter what the disciplinary action is, deliver it in love.

When a teen cops an attitude it can be anything from a cry for help to unresolved conflict.  Don’t brush it off, overlook it or over react, if anything slow down the pace, listen and show them God’s love

How do you deal with a teenager’s attitude?

Chris Wesley is the Director of Student Ministry at Church of the Nativity in Timonium, MD. You can read great articles and thoughts about youth ministry on his blog Marathon Youth Ministry.