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In regards to a comment…

 —  April 1, 2011 — 25 Comments

You are? right, there are far more dangerous jobs than youth ministry. I am extremely thankful that my husband does not stare down the barrel of a gun. I cannot imagine the kind of strength a wife would need for that. No matter what the job each one of us, including myself, has and will face great tragedies. Just in each day there are so many ups and downs. Our lives are sprinkled with many different feelings and emotions from happiness to thankfulness, to frustration to sorrow. My hope is that not one of us would deny ourselves the right to feel validated in each and every feeling that we have that gets mixed up inside of us. I hope that in some small way this blog may be a place for someone in ministry to feel heard, connected, and uplifted through a comment, a funny story, or a serious post. And what I love so much about this community of women is the honesty shared about their lives, and the tone that we all take loving God and our husbands seriously but don’t take ourselves too seriously.

I write this in no way with a defensive voice, but with so much concern that many pastor’s wives are told that their feelings are silly or not important. Whether from someone at church or their own inner dialogue. Our “perspective” should be to accept and embrace our feelings whatever they may be and then with God and community we get to figure it out. :)? I believe we serve a magnificent God who knows each feeling and thought that we have. He laughs with us, comforts us when we hurt, and will carry us through those treacherous times.

We all will have battles to face and our journeys may look very different, but my prayer is that you hear, We are never alone.

Amanda

Amber Cassady

Amber Cassady

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Marketer for Simply Youth Ministry and Group Mission Trips. College-aged girls small group leader. Coffee lover. Fan of skiing and hiking as much as she can!

25 responses to In regards to a comment…

  1. Thank you Amanda for posting this! I, for one am so thankful and greatful for this blog. It has been my lifeline and source of encouragement more times than I can count! There is just something about being involved with a community of women who truly understand the ups and downs of being a YP’s wife. I believe God uses this blog in different ways for different people, but for me it has shown me more than anything that I am not alone and that both the frustrations and joys I experience are both valid and shared. Thank you Amanda for allyou have done to make so many wonderful women “feel the love”. You are loved!

  2. The comment in question was not kind-hearted, but it was very kind of you to post an explanatory response. Thank you for this site; it makes me happy each time I see a new post on my reader!

  3. Thank you Amanda! This post was exactly what I needed to read on this exact day! I appreciate you!

  4. Hi Amanda,

    I’m not sure how to write to you directly so I thought I might post my question to the comment section of your latest post. It doesn’t relate at all. However, a few months ago (12/22) you asked people to share any questions/concerns they might have. My question is rather straight forward and I’m almost embarrassed to ask, but I don’t have any other “safe” place/person to talk this out with…

    So here is my question, in all vulnerability…

    My husband hired a new administrative assistant in January. What am I do to do if I don’t care for her? I don’t feel I can voice my feelings/thoughts to my husband, but for some reason I feel really insecure about her working so closely with him. I feel like my role/our partnership in ministry has been replaced by her. Not to mention we just had our first baby so my role at church and youth group has changed significantly with having a newborn.

    I have expressed my thoughts to my husband only once before and he doesn’t understand my feelings and why I wouldn’t be friends with her – “she’s a lot like me.” I know this sounds incredibly selfish, but I feel that everyone expects the pastor’s wife to be friends with everyone in the church. I find that difficult and makes me sad b/c everyone else gets to pick their friends , why can’t I? That doesn’t mean I’m not willing to be friendLY. I strive to be friendly towards everyone, just doesn’t mean I am friends with everyone. Does that make sense?

    I guess I just don’t know what to do. My blood pressure rises and I feel like I could cry every time my husband tells me he has this or that scheduled with his assistant or that he doesn’t need me to do ‘x’ because she’s taken care of it or will be at ‘x’ meeting so I don’t need to go.

    I know I should feel relieved that he has someone he can rely on and someone who is good at what they do. I do appreciate that she helps lessen the burden my husband has to carry and takes care of tasks that would otherwise take up his time doing things he needs to do. I’m just having a hard time and am not sure what to do. Do you have any thoughts or insight on how I should handle my insecurity?

    Also, please feel free to delete my comment if you feel it is not appropriate for your blog. Like I said, I’m just not sure how to contact you otherwise.

    Thanks for “listening.” I, like many others, really appreciate your blog and have even shared a few posts with my husband that I resonate with so he knows I’m not the only one feeling such and such way. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  5. I have been thinking about this post for the last 24 hours. I was going to add a few comments of my own in support of this blog. However, I think that Katie’s comment speaks more clearly than anything I would add to the conversation. She has asked a great question. There are several layers worth discussing.

  6. Katie I too posted something like this on the tread you referred to. You are not alone with this struggle. I have a lot of Jealously! A few nights ago my husband and I had a disagreement and I am really beating myself up over this. It started Thursday right before we left for a youth trip much like it always does. He said he wanted to spend some time with me before we left Friday afternoon. Well that didn’t really happen as he was preoccupied with text and calls from kids with last min. questions. He said we would for sure spend some time together when we got back and said he was sorry. The trip was good and God really moved, but I felt like a sponsor all weekend instead of wife as I do most trips. We both ended up sick by the time we got home and have not been feeling well. I really have not expected anything much from him. ? Monday night we did curl up and watch TV for a couple of hours. It frusterates me because he stops everthing a lots of time to answer phone calles or text from students, but I text him and called him and it takes two hours for him to call back on Tuesday because he was haveing lunch at the school.Then Last night was suppose to be our date night, but we both agreed we were too tierd and did not feel like it so we will move it to Friday. Instead he played some iphone game all evening. I was not too bothered by it until i found out he was playing scrable with my best friend (our head youth sponser) on the iphone. He told me he had off and on been playing it since 9am that day( same day I tried to call and text). She is married, but him and i both have said she has some kind of weard thing about him because she will openly cut her husband down and say my husband can do things better right in fround of me and her husband. She has also said my husband reminds her of a guy she dated. I got upset and told him if he wanted to play a game why could he have not played it with me. He said i am overly jealous and thinks I blow things out of preportion. I know i do quit often, but am i to say nothing? I know without a doubt he is faithful and it was just inocent fun (that is not a real issue) it’s just that he promised to spend time with me and then played a game with another women all evening. He said we spent time together because we watched tv on Monday. Things like this seem to happen after youth trips and we see God move alot. I know he just doesn’t think about it the way i do, but i am tired of having these fights after we do something good. To top it off I tried to flirt with him Friday during the day by sending him a fill in the blank text (play a game) and he never answered me. When I confronted him he still said he was busy and just didn’t have time. I know he is faithful, but these thing make me not even like my friend/ youth sponsor ( who he will defer thing to like you said you husband does) instead of having me do them. It’s just a struggle that the devil wants to separate us in our ministers, but we have to talk it out. I talked it out with my husband and while he doesn’t get it he said he will work on it. Stand firm on God and let no man or women separate what God has put together. Know they are not the enemy the devil is and is the one putting those fears in our hearts.? ?

  7. Oh and Amanda I say job well done on your explanation. This is a great site and it is for Yp wives so those that are not involved do not understand our struggles as we would not understand a married to a policemen blog. I would say everyones struggles are just that their struggles and it is not up to any of us to judge what anther person is going through, odviously the person that posted that is hurting and very bitter about something and needs a lot of prayers:) keep up the good work Amanda and thanks.

  8. Btw I don’t mean to be hogging up the discussion, but are there any Yp wives that have health issues or handicaps that they have to over come. I have a connective tissues disease that is making it very hard to be a part of ministry. I for all purpose am allergic the sun with we all know a lot of youth things in the summer are outside. Really struggling with this.

  9. jessicasheets.com April 6, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    Amanda, I was catching up on blog posts so I was about to comment at the end of the last post. But, then, I saw that you had responded. You did an excellent job at representing us, my friend. The commentor may not even read this next post, but if someone out there agrees with her and is reading this, please know that it is because we have found a safe place to share our very real feelings…some things may be mentioned that one would never expect from us–pastor’s wives who live in a fish bowl where others have already decided what we should probably say or do in every situation. Truly, we want to do what God calls us to do. Sometimes, we do it with the right heart attitude. Sometimes, we are convicted that our attitude is wrong. We just usually have an audience viewing how we deal with that wrong attitude. I’m not putting us on a pedestal nor asking for your pity. I’m asking you to recognize that we, just like you, are dealing with emotions and feelings that come with marriage. The thing that probably bonds us, pastor’s wives, is the fact that the health of our marriage directly relates to the health of husband’s ministry. So, this site is a place to air our frustrations, maybe get a little convicted when needed, maybe feel a little relieved that you aren’t the only one who fights back glaring daggers at the parents who conveniently didn’t pick up their kid for two hours after a youth event. I hope it’s also a place where we can lift up a distressed sister in Christ. A place where we really will pray for someone. I place to be reminded by scripture that God really did call us to serve him this way. We aren’t perfect, but we’re learning how to be supportive wives. We need a place to share our words with ears who are listening.

  10. I think everyone’s situation is different. In our current church, the pastoral staff is treated very poorly. There is nothing cushy about being a youth pastor’s wife at our church. But it really depends on the church and situation.

    I think the thing that I find hard is when people say that “as a pastor’s wife, you knew what you were getting yourself into.” Wow. Really? I had no idea. Why don’t people reach out to the pastor’s wives? Why does it seem like somehow we deserve it or whatever? There was nothing we could do to fully prepare ourselves. Yet, we have learned to really rest on God and each other…and for that, we are thankful.

    As for “dangerous jobs” and referencing the military, I come from a military family. I was raised as an Army brat. Of course, in the Army you sign up knowing that your life could be lost or that you could come home “different” after deployment…but no one would ever have the audacity to say, “Well, you knew what you were signing up for…”

    Anyway…not all dangers are physical. The enemy will try to destroy us, our families and our callings…but we have to stand strong. I am ever aware of spiritual warfare….and
    keeping my husband covered with prayers of protection.

    Youth ministry is tough. A lot of times we don’t feel like we can share and express how we feel…but thankfully there are unique avenues like this where we can express ourselves and encourage one another…and of course, LAUGH!!

  11. Okay so I have a real question and I need a real answer. How do you love God, love ministry, and love your husband. He is so ministry focused and I am so glad. The problem is me!!!! I want to spend time with him and talk about us or do “normal” things, whatever that is. All we seem to talk about is God and ministry. This is great right? We were created to glorify God. Why then do I long for my husband to want to talk as passionately about us and he does ministry? Why to I find myself angry at God at times and just plan sick of hearing about him and ministry? Then I feel guilty for feeling this way because God should be my all and all. Please help!!! I don’t want to be angry at God or Ministry, but I want to know why I have such a desire to be with my husband and for him to feel that way about me. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy?

  12. I haven’t been on here in a really long time and this past weekend I have just been dealt another blow in the life of ministry. My emotions have reached their limit. I’m hurt, angry, confused, and it was all I could do to go to church on Sunday. I thought I would jump on here again and just embrace the encouragement, knowing that you all have been or are going through the same things.
    Thank you so much for this post. I’ve been really struggling with that inner-dialogue saying my feelings are just emotions and are wrong and whatnot. I don’t know why I’ve stayed away so long! Thank you for creating this community of youth ministers wives, Amanda. Thank you for being real and sharing your heart. Thank you being a vessel.

  13. Blessings on you Amanda. I too am married to a youth pastor and often thought of sharing my experiences in blog form. The biggest to share with people is that Pastors in general are underappreciated, taken for granted and abused. Leading then to Pastoring being a high risk job in that it has one of the highest suicide rates in North America. As it is true they don’t risk their lives every day but the importance of someones salvation weighs heavy on their hearts 24/7. May this be a reminder for us all to love our pastors and pray for them.

  14. Amanda, I don’t think you were whining at all. The purpose of this blog is so important and needed for those of us married to ministers. It is a very misunderstood job (I’m sure others are too). I truly don’t think people can understand the heartbreak felt for kids that aren’t even your own. The desperate desire to not just get them to laugh, but to love Christ, and if that means drawing them to Him through a laugh sometimes then so be it. However, It is a very serious job…the most serious really. No our husbands aren’t looking into the face of immediate danger every day, but they are trying to help win the souls of others. Souls are much longer lasting than our short lives here on earth. Ministry is full of blessings, no doubt about it, but it comes with much heaviness as well, and as the wives of these men who’ve devoted their lives to it, we get the honor and the weariness of helping to carry that load. Kudos for your post.

  15. Just you know- You are WAY funnier than Jeff. WAY.

  16. I’m currently dating a youth pastor. Most girls run away from the idea of dating a yp but I love every minute of it. He constantly speaks to me about the burdens and frustrations of his job and how there are a lot of tough things I’m going to have to deal with. It doesn’t scare me, though. I’m ready to embrace it head on. I was just wondering, if I can get some advice on dating and possibly being married to a yp. Thanks!

  17. That really helped me, me and my husband teach sometimes together depending on the topic & we are both called to youth ministy & I grew up in ministry where women where aloud to speak. Me &I my husband both went to simenar school. When we both started this was fine, but all of a sudden it wasn’t. Ok. My Pastors wife does not teach, she doesn’t even have a small womens group, so me &steve another youth leader thought it was a good idea to start something, after that every thing changed. My pastors wife is older then me. Any word of encouragment. Thanks darla

  18. Me & another youth leader started a small young girls group &sharing my pastor’s wife was fine with that, but then her actions changed. We were called into a meeting were they pulled Youth tonight out of church on on Sundays &my husband can only teach the 3 wed’s in a month

  19. Amanda,
    I have been checking in on your site every once in awhile to see what new things have been said that will make me laugh and I am saddened that you haven’t written anything since this last post. :( Please don’t let it stop you from ministering to the hearts of all of these youth pastor’s wives. Yes, pastor’s wives don’t have to worry about their husbands being shot at or anything, but there is a lot more to it than meets the eye and the only other people on the planet that understand it are other YPW (and God, himself!). Please come back and allow us to continue to fellowship and laugh with each other about the path God has chosen for our lives!

  20. Just found your blog when I googled “youth pastor’s wife”. I’ve sat here and cried, laughed, rolled my eyes, and nodded my head while reading your posts and some of the comments. We are going through a really horrid season right now with one of our parents and she’s making life miserable at the moment. I’m really struggling with loving her. Honestly, I wish she’d just magically disappear. We have 18 years of youth ministry under our belts and this is quite possibly the highest my blood pressure has ever risen over some of the ignorant things that parents have done to my husband. I’ve frankly had it.

  21. Thank you Amanda. I need this blog so much!

  22. I have enjoyed reading these comments. Physical limitations Mary, I wanted to let you know I am diabetic and always seem to get sick frequently, my hubby does a great letting me be when I need to. I of course want too do more, but another part of ministry as it ministers to others is watching how we interact with our hubbys. Students need to see healthy interactions. Or husbands do need to keep famliy a priority over ministry although hard at times.
    Darby, my advise as I married a youth pastor is to be a safe place for him to come home too. There are so many other things going on in their minds they need to come home to a place where they feel emotionally safe to let their guard down.
    Stacey- what is going on? We went thru the same thing with a parent and three students.

  23. Bravo! An excellent response to a such an unwarrented post. I absolutely LOVE and am honored at the fact that my husband and I are serving the Lord in such a capacity, and have been for many years. However, there ARE moments when we are weary and tired, physically and emotionally exhausted. It’s in THOSE moments, that I log onto this site. I find myself identifying with other women walking in my shoes as a wife, mother, role model, and servant of the Most High. Feeling lonely and longing for time with my husband, who gives so sacrificially to all the other families, feeling angry, sad, and jealous, I begin to read through the blogs and comments. Soon I find myself smiling, laughing, occasionally crying, because while there’s only a name with a post, there’s SOMEONE, several someones, who understand completely. I read MY story in so many of the comments. I find peace and strength to continue to fight the good fight. I believe Satan’s most powerful tool is discouragement. All of us feel it from time to time, and what a blessing this site is, to be a weapon against one of his most wicked schemes. A vessel in which women can come feeling beat up and alone, can spend a few moments and be refreshed, understood, and ENCOURAGED! We all need that, regardless of our husband’s profession. But PRAISE THE LORD there’s a special place JUST for youth pastor’s wives!!! Don’t ever let the evil one steal, kill, or destroy this ministry! Amanda, you are ministering to those who minister, filling us up when we are empty, making us laugh when we want to cry, being an unseen friend to the lonely. Your ministry touches so many lives you are not even aware of. All the glory goes to God, but you are His vessel. Thank you for taking ADDITIONAL critism (like we need more) to provide a place for the rest of us to be uplifted.

  24. Is this site not being updated anymore? As a mom of 4 young kids and wife to a youth minister I am hoping that updates start up again soon! I need a place like this.

  25. Amy, I was wondering the same thing. I come back to this site from time to time to see if I have missed an update. Hopefully Amanda is just taking a break. That said, this site has been such an incredible place for encouragement and laughter. I DO hope it continues! It’s been a needed blessing in my life and (I am sure) so many others.

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